i feel like an OLD lady

looks like me right?! 

maybe it's becuz i've not been dating for 3 years,
so i've forgotten how complicated it is to be in one.

i dont mind the complications. its bound to happen from time to time. but once i've confronted it and it happens AGAIN! AND AGAIN! Lord have mercy on my impatient soul, i get irritated. And irritation usually makes me...or anyone easily angry.
i dun like it tho it happens often :(

i think i might have a baaaaaad case of being a people pleaser.
i tend to want, no wait, make that - I HAVE to please people i care about. 

its a bad habit. i know. am trying to get over it.
lets see the list of people i normally go all out to please. hmmmm.... 

1. daddy
2. mommy
3. sisters
4. besties
5. boyfriend
6. closefrens

doesnt look like much but seriously, its effing hard to please any one. it gets harder if there is more than one person to please at the same time. usually its my parents AND my boyfriend.

he's being really... i cant say demanding like how he described himself.
but i'm just not used to having someone keep tabs on me all the time. Its just weird. even my own parents dun keep daily tabs on where i am, what i'm doin, or who i'm with!

i will mengistiharkan right here : " i, charlottefong, cannot stand reporting on my whereabouts, and who i am with at a constant basis. "

hate crying

might sound childish but yes, i do hate crying.

i can do whatever emotions i want, but crying!
i'd stop myself silly, or i was just try.

The Sad-kinda Cry

• Even at grandma's passing, i only allowed myself to cry at the hospital. After that, i'd only teared up at the funeral, if it overflows i'll quickly wipe it away. 

• When my boyfren walked past the departure gates into the airport to go to UK.

• Getting separated from the main group in NS while doing the navigation thru the jungle test... i was one of the two that tried our best not to cry like the other four bawling babies.

 The Frustrated/Angry/Disappointed-kinda Cry

• The last time i ever cried like this was.... lemme think.... when my first boyfriend and i were arguing back in 2006. And that made us break-up. That was when i promised to myself : i'd never involve myself in anything related to anger if i were to EVER enter a relationship. but... Eff that! Screw that promise over ten times fold and still, there'd be excess. 

• so yeah, i do blame myself for bringing this to myself. i dun wanna lose my temper so i held it in. And when i do that, i start tearing up. I told him i'd be back home at one, but i came back at three. understandable, but we kinda had this talk bfore and i foresaw it. i'm not trying to be a smartass by saying i foresaw it. but rather, i already said to him bfore he left that "i dun answer to anyone but myself and God. but i'm trying to change, i'm already telling u where i am most of the time and usually i nvr tell how i feel about another, but now i do"

you might think the solution is simple, "don't hold it in then!" Sorry, no.. to lose my temper is un-christian-like and, I'm just going to be more patient with myself and him.

far too many questions...

what if ...

• i never feel 'it's all right' for him to mingle with his exes or past flings?
• there was a part of me that still worry of what other's think of this relationship?
• i had waited for him to come back from UK, then only had a relationship with him? 
• what he said was right about me being swept off my feet by another?

.....

...

..

.

what if this perfect relationship begin to show signs of imperfections?

just shoot me now. 

quiet down, dear mind.

im back in that black hole of loneliness and emotional wreck. of course its not even half as bad as it was 4 years ago... 

this is just a separation, not a break-up.

i wished i had met him a year ago. or two years ago. then we could have made plans together. but the pessismistic side of me thinks it wud hv been better if i never met him. i'd still be the new me - independent, strong and carefree.

like a hermit or an anti-social, i just stayed at home ever since he left. this is probably the longest period of time i have spent at home in...more than a year. hahaha! 

i did cry when he left. and in his house before i gave him and his family a lift to the airport. and another time after he went thru the departure gates. and once more in the airport carpark. another one at the Yacht Club. and the final one of that day, on my bed.

crazy shyt if u ask me. no one has seen me cry. unless u mean, tearing up at the movies. 

end of the road?

its almost like clockwork now.

wakeup. smile to see text messages. wait for morning call. wash up and get changed. work. brunch wif boyfriend. watch movie. shisha/dinner with boyfriend. chill at his place. go out with close bunch of friends till midnight. hang out a lil while more at his place. sleep. repeat process. 

that's the life of a grape planter, peeps.

but i hold his hand more often now. sometimes i try to hold on more tightly. or even walk abit closer. when i do dare to, i'd hug him or kiss him. i'd stare at his face a bit longer than normal. talk to him abit more about things between us. there's just so lil time left till he leaves. i hate it. i really do hate due dates. in fact, i hate expiry dates.

if i cud, i'd pack him in a pokeball. 

and no, i dun watch pokemon but i hv cousins who love 'em.

facing the big screens

i have never watched soooo many movies in a month!

 

like seriously, i used to only watch movies once or twice a month. 

yes, in ONE month.haha! 

not that i do not enjoy movies, if the movie is really good, then i wud be smiling and all but if it sucks, i guess i've not only wasted the ka-chings but also 2 hours of my life. 

but gawd, 3D movies are reli a waste of time. especially if its in KK. le sigh.

but im glad during gud or sucky movies, he's wif me. 

patriotic about racism? =.=''

My point of view:  it's the OLDER generation that have this problem -----> racism. 

W-H-Y?

it was already drilled into their mind to be proud of your own race : "we're chinese! / we're malay! Better than u! ...etc" You get the drift. The older generation, let's be MORE specific, such as the babies born in the late 50's until early 80's.

i shyt u not! think about it!
how old is Nik Aziz? and what about Haji Badruddin?
i dun reli have to use this two as the example, but sadly, they seem to be the most famous political leaders for their racist/sexist comments :/


its not our generation that has a problem with racism.
(late 80's babies UNITE!)

not that we are absolutely racism-free but i think without the brainwashing or influence from the older generation, we might stand a chance of a racism-almost-free nation. a chance to prosper, no? :)